A Letter To Spammers

Dear sir/madam,

It has come to my attention that you are a spammer. Congratulations on being the scum that lives in the deepest and darkest crevices of the internet. In a vain attempt to provide some assistance, I will provide you with some tips that may stop you targeting the wrong people.

1. After tracing my family tree, I discovered that I have no relatives from Nigeria, nor do I have a royal lineage.

2. I cannot recall entering the draw that I recently won $9,876,543.21! I also don’t remembering entering the competition to win 10 free iPad 2s.

3. I am perfectly happy with the size and performance of all my body parts.

4. I am not single, and therefore must pass on any of the brides that are waiting just for me.

5. I would like to apologise to:
– LuckyLauren69
– SaucySara
– PlayfulPenny

Unfortunately I did not RSVP to their sexy rendezvous. I must have missed your invitations as I don’t check my mail every 0.00247 seconds for a new invite.

6. Even though working from home sounds great, somehow I can’t see everyone making $9,999 every hour. Also, I have a full-time job and a bank account, and thus do not need to make quick cash on the side.

7. I’m amazed at how I’m always the 999,999,999th visitor to your page! I must be really lucky!

8. I will never, ever need to know her secret to smooth skin.

9. After consulting a BMI chart, I’ve decided that losing 10 kg in two hours would pose a dangerous health risk.

10. I just did a virus scan and am quite sure that my computer is not infected with a superbug that will leave my computer irreversibly damaged if I do not perform a security scan in the next five seconds!

11. In the last few years, I have learnt: maths, physics, programming, electrical engineering and a variety of other topics. It took many hours of study, revision, sweat, exams and lectures to earn a degree. A degree that you receive in thirty seconds in not an equivalent.

12. Hotmail, twitter, facebook and paypal employees already know my passwords.

Hopefully this helps in the selection process of your junk mail. As you are reading this, it has been sent to all your contacts to direct them all to my website to increase my SEO. Thank you for your attention.


A guy whose email spam filter catches all of your annoying crap.

Just a few tips for the thousands of scammers/ spammers out there. Perhaps if you put all that effort into creating a legitimate business, everyone wouldn’t hate you so much.


writing, my writing, humour

Posted by:submeg

Musician, Writer and Inspirer. I discuss the projects I am working on, the services I provide and my general thoughts.

4 replies on “A Letter To Spammers

  1. I nearly got caught out by the super cunning, devious spam post that, on my post that contains only a cartoon of two amoebas, wrote thanking me for my input, and that they were going to include my findings into their research (which could be found at a link in the comment) on casinos.

    I was lucky to escape with my life…


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